Emotions Aren't Problems to Solve

This is the epitome of the mother wound showing up when you take others “stuff on” as though it's your job to fix, change, care for, rescue, solve etc…

Codependency is another word for parentification. Let me explain: As a child, you grow up modelling your parents. This is NORMAL. It’s normal and healthy for any child’s needs or feelings to be met with a solution. You scape your knee and then Mom puts and bandaid on it and tells you you’re gonna be ok. You are scared of the dark so Mom (or dad) sleeps next to you and tell you it’s ok to be scared but you don’t have to be as scared when you’re not alone. For the sensitive child, this is where things go awry. If you had a parent that either did not do those things for you, you will naturally do those things for them to get attention/love. If you had a parent who relied on you for emotional support such as you had to hold Mom’s hand when she was scared, you will feel validated and important continuing to take on the role as the support in the family. If you at any point saw a parent stressed, scared, or upset and you were continually praised for “being a good girl” or “being a big girl” or for “being so helpful” you will automatically feel that it is always your job to help others in their feelings by helping them their problems usually by not feeling your own- very independent.

Then what happens is your now grown self’s own inner-child takes on the role of “Mom” in all relationships, assuming this is love. You help them find a solution to their feelings. You meet their needs above your own. As a child, you most certainly need a solution to your emotions. You didn’t have the logic centre of your brain developed fully yet. You need Mom or Dad to come to the rescue for YOU. As a child, you were never ever meant to offer that same level of solution-finding and support for a parent. —> A parent’s role is to meet their child’s needs, not the other way around...

Imagine if your Mom was feeling sad and she just said “Mommy is feeling a little sad right now, thank you for your hug. I want you to know you don’t have to make Mommy feel better, Mommy knows how to take care of herself” and your mother then showed you what self-care was? How to break this cycle? When someone is feeling a feeling- offer EMPATHY. That's it. No solution or advice-giving. EMPATHY. 99.99999% of the time the other person only needs to know they are understood. Offer a feeling word or two expressing your care without making it mean anything about you. DO NOT offer a suggestion until asked. And then, first ask yourself, “Do I have the capacity to support right now?” If the answer is no, then part two…state YOUR needs. It’s ok to say no! You honouring yourself teaches others to honour themselves.

The Year of Coming Home to Your Body...

Make 2021 the year of coming home to your body.

A women’s relationship with her body is complex and very layered. We have been conditioned from a young age to be super aware of our outer appearance and its impact on our sense of “worth.” As we grew into our woman-hood we have all been, at some point, judged, objectified, bullied and shamed for our bodies. Sometimes that was from the masculine and sometimes that’s from other women.

In addition, we take our womanly cues from how Mom speaks to herself, and how Dad talks about women. We look to our parents to see how to talk to ourselves.

The sad truth is that ALL women have experienced some form of abuse, body betrayal, body shame, and body pain. As the feminine, our bodies not only represent our physical vitality but the body is also the vessel for our sexuality and our emotions.

So, a shut down of your own emotions is a bypassing of your body’s needs. The shame of your creativity and sexual energy is a betrayal of your body’s natural needs and desires.

When you take a look at this within yourself, how often can you say you make a decision from your head or from your body? Can you honestly say you honour your physical body cues?

Did you know that your body is where you find the deepest healing and the deepest reconnection to your true self?

If you struggle to notice sensations in your body, and/or you find your body riddled with stiffness and physical pain this is your biggest clue it’s time to have a homecoming with your body.

When making a decision:

-Take a deep slow deep breath

-Notice your feet flat on the ground

-Place one hand on your lower belly/womb and one hand on your heart

-Ask yourself a yes or no question in order to decide

**Listen to if the yes has more ease and relief in your body or no. This is subtle. It takes practice to notice.

If its tough to even find your yes or your no, start here:

—> For 30 days, repeat this 3x while standing in front of your mirror OUT LOUD:

“It is safe to be in my body. My body knows what is best for me. I trust my body. I am open to receive a yes or a no in my body. My body loves me. I love my body.

Healing The Roles We "Play" From Childhood

When I reflect back, I see how I showed up, and I see why things happened the way they did.

I wasn’t taught this by any means, but as a girl, I believed it was my job to make mom and dad happy (aka less stressed so they’d have more time for me). As I got older I loved having a role, and I thought it’s what gave me validation, love and acceptance.

Some of these roles were:

1. The problem solver- the one who comes up with new ideas and solutions to take care of others

2. The responsible one- motherly energy that left me feeling in charge of others lives, and the only one able to love them

3. The loyalist- never ever ever give up on someone, no matter how bad they treat you because you can love them out of their trauma 😬

4. The yes person- terrified to say no, boundary-less, need-less and adaptable, the nice one people wanted to be around

5. The listener- I listen to you, in hopes that you’ll ask me questions about me. Wise and mature for my age, hearing people’s concerns gave me a sense of purpose

6. The good girl- Polite, nice, kind, and constantly making sure everyone else is happy, ok, and pleased with me. Following the rules equalled praise, so make sure not to be disobedient.

All of these roles didn’t let me find me. My life was so externalized I didn’t have a sense of myself. So I over-functioned in relationships (which stemmed from a fear of loss) and was rooted in a mistrust of my caregiver's capacity to give me what I needed, despite them trying their best.

Moving into relationships I ended up emasculating my partners; leaving me in a chronic state of burnout. I was bitter and frustrated because I was give give giving but never receiving.

A common misconception in this realization was often “he is selfish.” When in turn I needed to look in the mirror and say “I didn’t express myself or my needs. I didn’t know what I wanted. I was giving in hopes of getting in return, even if that was unconscious.” <— that is the hard truth to admit. That is why reconnecting to my inner child and healing my mother and father's wounds alongside reconnecting to my feminine essence was such powerful healing for me.

This journey is underneath 99% of the work I do with clients. I teach you how to truly care for you, so you can let love in, ask for what you desire, let your body receive, reconnect to play and pleasure so that you feel ALIVE AGAIN.