Children watch their parents. They look to them for how to speak, how to walk and most importantly- how to interact with others.
What does codependency have to do with this? Well, the definition of codependency is a chronic neglect of SELF. Meaning, you set aside your needs and feelings for the sake of those around you. (Typically your partner or your family) So, if you witnessed your Mom or your Dad continually set aside their needs for each other, for you, for their friends etc...you were taught that this is how to love. Yet- this is actually how we manifest codependency!
I want to normalize how many moms are given the message, “drop everything and care for your children...” So I GET how this can be super confusing...but let’s put this into context in regards to how she connected with Dad, for example...
Maybe she continually mentioned how she wanted to do this one activity but he would NEVER, so she always chooses the thing he wants. Maybe he is emotional and she doesn’t want to upset him, so she sets aside her needs and feelings when she’s upset. Maybe she is told by him his very clear needs but never is asked to express hers...and as a little girl you pick up on this. You notice, you note, and you observe. “Oh this is how I make a man (and everyone else) happy...”
Here comes in codependency...
If you feel burnt out in your relationships, if you feel no one gets you, if you feel pressure to please others, if you have a sense of obligation with anyone, if you feel guilt when saying no, if you feel shameful and selfish for doing self-care, if you over-identify with others needs but have a hard time recognizing your own, it may be time to look at your LEARNED PATTERNS.
To be loved does not mean you have to be a martyr. It does not mean you have to be “easy-going with no needs and so everyone likes you...” REAL LOVE is when you can set boundaries, express feelings openly and have your needs be expressed and met by anther- AND VICE VERSA!
If this sounds all too familiar, it's time we connect. Lets explore where this behaviour was learned, and help you unlock the pattern while cultivating energizing interdependent relationships!