Healing The Roles We "Play" From Childhood

When I reflect back, I see how I showed up, and I see why things happened the way they did.

I wasn’t taught this by any means, but as a girl, I believed it was my job to make mom and dad happy (aka less stressed so they’d have more time for me). As I got older I loved having a role, and I thought it’s what gave me validation, love and acceptance.

Some of these roles were:

1. The problem solver- the one who comes up with new ideas and solutions to take care of others

2. The responsible one- motherly energy that left me feeling in charge of others lives, and the only one able to love them

3. The loyalist- never ever ever give up on someone, no matter how bad they treat you because you can love them out of their trauma 😬

4. The yes person- terrified to say no, boundary-less, need-less and adaptable, the nice one people wanted to be around

5. The listener- I listen to you, in hopes that you’ll ask me questions about me. Wise and mature for my age, hearing people’s concerns gave me a sense of purpose

6. The good girl- Polite, nice, kind, and constantly making sure everyone else is happy, ok, and pleased with me. Following the rules equalled praise, so make sure not to be disobedient.

All of these roles didn’t let me find me. My life was so externalized I didn’t have a sense of myself. So I over-functioned in relationships (which stemmed from a fear of loss) and was rooted in a mistrust of my caregiver's capacity to give me what I needed, despite them trying their best.

Moving into relationships I ended up emasculating my partners; leaving me in a chronic state of burnout. I was bitter and frustrated because I was give give giving but never receiving.

A common misconception in this realization was often “he is selfish.” When in turn I needed to look in the mirror and say “I didn’t express myself or my needs. I didn’t know what I wanted. I was giving in hopes of getting in return, even if that was unconscious.” <— that is the hard truth to admit. That is why reconnecting to my inner child and healing my mother and father's wounds alongside reconnecting to my feminine essence was such powerful healing for me.

This journey is underneath 99% of the work I do with clients. I teach you how to truly care for you, so you can let love in, ask for what you desire, let your body receive, reconnect to play and pleasure so that you feel ALIVE AGAIN.

Ode To My Past Partners...

I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

I just loved you in the way I thought I was supposed to. I loved you in the way I was praised for giving love as a child- being helpful, solving problems, relieving stress, supporting emotionally...and this translated to me being a parent and resenting you for being the child.

I’m sorry.

I now know this dynamic is incredibly sexy to those who have a neglected inner-child. The over-functioner loves having the role of the parent, the under-functioner loves being the child...

I didn’t realize this isn’t a partnership.

I didn’t realize I didn’t know how to be a partner. I didn’t realize I didn’t trust my dad to take care of me. I was under the impression all men needed taking care of, so I did that, until I burnt out time and time again, resentful because I couldn’t receive the love you were trying to give me.

The little girl in me just wanted to trust her dad.

The little boy in you just wanted his mom’s love.

We both co-created a dynamic that is all too common...and often labelled as the narcissist & empath...when in truth it’s our wounds bonding.

Now I am awake. Now I see. Now I understand how to trust your masculine energy. Now I understand how to trust my feminine energy. Now I know what partnership truly can feel like...full of ease, trust, reciprocity, self-responsibility, mutual support and respect.

I invite you to look in the mirror and ask, am I truly feeling angry at him for not doing anything around the house, or am I angry with myself for taking on the “mother role” for so many years?

Want to reignite healthy sexual polarity in your partnership? What to understand and learn how to feel safe with the masculine again? Perhaps you want to dive deep into why you over-functioned in relationships...do not hesitate to reach out. I'd love to support your journey to reconnecting to self, and your inner feminine, inner masculine and inner child who needs a little extra love!

How To Soften Your Feelings Of Anxiety And Reconnect To Yourself

Dear Sensitive Heart,

I wish I could tell you all feelings you’ll eventually make sense of.

I wish I could tell you that all feelings end up finding a resolve and one day you’ll be “trigger-less.”

I wish I could tell you will understand your whole-self once you understand your feelings...

But the truth is, feelings don’t always make sense. Feelings aren’t always resolved, and you may not ever understand why you feel the way you do...

What I can tell you is this: feeling your feelings fully (yes, meaning all in, getting messy, being present and open to what is arising) does get easier. The edge of your comfort zone with your feelings will soften once you accept, that you, in fact, are a human with feelings. No logic to what they are, you simply FEEL.

Once you accept your feelings you in turn accept your inner child, and once you accept your inner child you can surrender with strength into trusting your body to do what it needs to do to release your emotions, instead of relying on your brain to make sense of things.

What do you feelings have to do with your inner child?

Anxiety gets triggered when we are feeling uncomfortable, uneasy, perhaps overwhelmed and instead of moving the emotion through the body, we pop into our head to try to solve it, fix it or change it. What you are saying to your inner child when you do this is

“You’re doing something wrong, you are bad and I need to fix you so that you don’t feel this way ever again.”

Here is the surprising thing to most: you are a feelings machine up until about 9yrs old. All you do is feel. Your identity is wrapped up in how you feel...imagine telling a child that they were bad for being anxious? Imagine telling a child that their anger is wrong? Oh wait- we do do that. Hmmm....seeing a pattern here?

Humans raising humans. Most people are so uncomfortable with their own emotions, they can’t handle a human who is in their heart, body, and able to freely express emotion. It triggers them!! So what happens? As a kid, you get punished, sent to your room or simply ignored when you might be really scared, hurt or sad. This tells your inner kid you can never ever be sad because it’s not safe, it means abandonment, or worse, punishment.

So what if you stopped punishing yourself for feeling anxious and just accepted that it’s something that arises when you’re feeling a little unsure, unsafe, or overwhelmed? What if you talked to your anxiety like you wish you were have spoken to as a child...

“It’s ok to be scared, I am here for you.”

“What you’re feeling right now is a little angry, and that makes sense because it’s so frustrating when you don’t get what you want!”

“You are loved always, no matter how you show up.”

“I am here, it’s ok to lean on me when you’re feeling sad”

“I love you. You’re gonna be ok.”

"I can see you are sad. What do you need right now?"

Try reconnecting to your inner child and see what they have to tell you. What did they need to hear in order to feel safe, seen, loved, and accepted?

When you connect to the your inner child, you start to reconnect to yourself.

Your inner child is your subconscious and directly related to your nervous system. Since you created most of your core beliefs in those for 9-10yrs of your life when you didn't have the frontal lobe (logic brain) developed yet, these beliefs don't usually "make sense." This is why, when feeling feelings we need to allow all the feels to flow. AFTER you've felt fully is often when the clarity comes, not DURING.

When you're feeling anxious, angry, panic or just sad try to just sit in it. Ride the wave without a story or any judgement from your mind. Let your body do what it needs to do. Once this is complete, then sit with a journal and start to unpack what the trigger was.

If you're still struggling with feelings and processing your triggers, please do not hesitate to reach out to me. I am here to help you reconnect with yourself, feel into your body safely, and feel empowered in your everyday.